Groonkly Bits

Mike Gravel paid Stephen Colbert a visit on lst night’s COLBERT REPORT(May 2nd, 2007) and managed to amuse the piss out of me and tip Colbert off his game once or twice. Did I mention that I think the best parts of THE COLBERT REPORT are when the facade breaks and the true Colbert seeps out and maanges to laugh at himself on camera?

Well, I’m saying it again.

Mike Gravel is a Democratic ex senator that’s making a mad run for the presidency. And when I say mad, I mean abso-fucking-crazy. Gravel is saying things that other contenders dare not say. Which makes him look like the crazy old coot come down from the mountian preaching to the valley people about falling sky. Which gives him leeway the other Democratic contenders couldn’t buy with Bill Gates money.

Of course, there’s no way in Hades Gravel will get within spitting distance of power in the White House. It’s just fun to wind him up, sit back, and watch him go.

I wonder if that chance in Hades is bigger than I think. You know what they say about the strength of crazy people.

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And that’s just for the embedded video below*.

Since these bastards have officially gone viral, you’d think I’d file this under the status of “villain.” But my heart is feeling particularly light today. It’s as if someone assembled a series of mirrors in effort to reflect much needed sunlight onto my soul.

Besides I have a much more deserving villain in mind.

DID YOU KNOW?: Showing that video is guaranteed to get you sex with your hot young sexy receptionist.

Challenge my theory of sex physics if you must. In fact, I dare you to.

(via yahoo news)

(*Fun fact: what people don’t know is those otters are gay.)

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They have a soundtrack.

A history.

A webpage.

A friendly place with a freaky-ass avatar.

They got me rollin’…rollin’….rollin’ on a river.

Don’t leave them hangin‘.

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A 58-year-old software engineer is set to become the fifth ever space tourist when he blasts off on board a Russian Soyuz spacecraft this Saturday.

Billionaire Charles Simonyi, who led development of Microsoft’s Word, will lift off from Kazakhstan at 1731 GMT.

The $20m ride will make him the 450th person to enter orbit and by his own admission “the first nerd in space”.

[…]

Once on the space station, Dr Simonyi will carry out a series of experiments including measuring the amount of radiation that he is exposed to while onboard the ISS.

The aim is to help to generate an accurate map of the radiation environment onboard the space station.

He will also be updating his website, charlesinspace.com, and taking time to gaze down on the planet.

There was a time that being an astronaut was all I could think about. This is after the time that I wanted to be a palentologist. I ignored the fact that I lacked the proper math skills, no matter how hard I studied and tried to improve them, and pushed forward with this idea/dream. Years passed, and it slowly became apparent that I would never reach this goal. Painfully apparent, in fact.

Thoughts of bouncing around weightless in low orbit gave way to thoughts on how the fuck was I going to make a living on Earth. Which, I suppose, will be the only way that I’ll ever reach the top of the world. I’ll have to pay for it like a common John. A super-rich common John.

These days I feel bad that Lance Bass never got the chance to go up with the Russians. It would have been one hell of an experience and would have validated untalented space nerds everywhere.

Now I think I’ll transfer my hope onto the winning pony. Charles Simonyi, I’ve got my eye on you, you rich bastard. Share everything you experience so that we can live the life, too. I know you have the means to type-up your words, you help invent Microsoft Word.

There’s a slim chance in hell us less-than-wealthy geeks will have the space experience. Virgin’s first Galactic Spaceport ride is scheduled for 2008(as of an article dated 2005). Maybe by then, I can afford my one ticket to ride.

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With a flash of otherworldly energies and not a pervert spandex suit in sight, the HOTW returns to the city. He didn’t forget his lovely citizens. He merely had that small problem on Chiron Beta Prime to fix.

It’s the last week of Ze Frank‘s, The Show. The Show started, for me, around week 24. Ze Frank’s Show was little 5 minute snippets of absurdist comedy mixed with common sense mixed with one man’s commentary on the wrold around him. It had song. It had dance. It ran 5 days a week for an entire year! It’s got 4 more days before the League of Awesome(aka the LOA) revokes his internship.

Frank’s persistance in getting 5 minutes of creativity finished and ready for world consumption 5 days a week made me envious. His commitment to sharing his brand of crazy on the intertubes was fascinating.

I guess we’ll all have to wait for next week to see what crafty little projects he has planned next.

While I will miss The Show, I’m glad he stuck to the rule of running this experiment for only a year. I’m sure he’s got other plans after The Show.

Come on Ze, it’s me, Sportsracer Groonk. You can tell me anything. What is *your* next power move?

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Listen, he’s about to whip somebody’s ass.

» The original song by Ray

In September 2006, I learned about the awesomeness that is Ray. He made up a song for his daughter to cheer her up. She had a bad day at work and was ready to quit the gig and be done with their noise.

Her dad, Ray, knew she couldn’t quit the job. He knew that she shouldn’t. He also knew a sermon didn’t have a place here. So he made up a song, on the spot. He sang, “I’m about to whip somebody’s ass.”

That cheered her up greatly. He eventually made an mp3 of the song and threw it onto the internet. Since then it’s become an anthem for all those having a hard time at work.

“If you can’t sing it aloud, hum it,” says Ray.

This one song brought unimaginable joy to thousands upon thousands of hard workers. Ze Frank decided there should be a video and remix album of Ray’s inspired work. The only problem was, no one knew Ray.

Ze and his legion of Sports Racers found Ray in the span of two days. A scary thought, to be sure, but the cause was righteous. The remixes flowed. The video was assembled. And yesterday’s The Show with Ze Frank featured an interview with the one and only Ray. He’s got good things to say. Everyone take 14 minutes and watch/listen.

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Juliette Lewis and the Licks

…

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Time is not my own these next few days. So I’ll cheat a little and include videos and such.

John Mayer has steadily climbed my list of cool music artists and more than competent “blogger.” It’s good to see a professional artist not treating his fanbase with utter contempt, or worse, merely tolerating them. Mayer suffered major uncool points with the long gone, but unfortunately not forgotten, “Body is a Wonderland” thing that Big Radio loved so damn much. He kept doing his thing and my ear has re-attuned to his music and lyrics.

Thanks to the guitar and mini-amp I received from MedicMike and Jen last Christmas(holla!), I’ve got a brand new appreciation for his skills on the axe.

I’m taking advantage of his hassle free open-door fanbase entry policy. And I’m laughing in agreement to his solution to the GREY’S ANATOMY insert-foot-repeatedly-in-mouth Isaiah Washington problem.

John Mayer may just be an all around Good Guy(tm). Imagine that.

The video above is a production rehearsal from the Jacksonville, FL stop on his current tour. The song is, “I’m Gonna Find Another You.” It looks like a proper concert video for “Gravity” is up, too.

It sucks that I won’t get to see his Huntsville, AL stop. Sometimes, in my case most times, it’s just as Mel Brooks said, “life stinks!”

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Jeff Jerome, curator of the Poe House and Museum, counted 55 people — the largest crowd ever — who converged on the cemetery that holds the writer’s gravesite near downtown this frosty morning, and was fearful that the Poe toaster would be put off by the crowd.

[…]

But, in what has become a tradition on Poe’s birthday, the visitor arrived, and the crowd at first did not realize who he was, Jerome said. When it became clear that the Poe Toaster had arrived, and placed a half-empty bottle of cognac and three red roses on Poe’s grave, the crowd rushed to one entrance to get a glimpse.

The mystery visitor used the opportunity to slip out another entrance, Jerome said.

The crowd this year was large, but well behaved, Jerome said, unlike last year, when unruly Poe toaster watchers tried to interfere with the mystery visitor’s tribute.

And there we have it. The Poe Toaster returned yesterday and left his expected reverences on the grave of Edgar Allan Poe. The idea of a person making an annual visit to a macabre and celebrated writer for all these years appeals to the tragic goth in me. That’s 58 years of Cognac and roses. I’ve kept an eye on this about as long as I’ve had this blog.

It’s the strangeness of the act that’s most appealing. He/she does it for no gain that I can think of. Sure you get visitors standing by and gawking at a gravesite for hours on end. Last year those gawkers stirred up a bit of trouble, which was very uncool of them. Some would call it bastardly. Well, that’s what I call it anyways. The there was that one year that the toaster refused to leave french cognac because of recent french politics. The Toaster lost cool points for that one.

The world needs to remain strange in some ways. In the good ways preferably. Weird happenings keeps you guessing about reality’s perating system. It keeps the mind sharp and open. It adds a sense of wonder you can’t buy on TV. Not even QVC.

People should enjoy the mystery of things more often. Everybody can’t grow up to be a cynical bastard like me.

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I was crass and skeptical. I convinced myself the iPhone wouldn’t be worth my time. Partly because I’m not incredibly attracted to having a multi-tasking super futurephone. Mostly because I knew my wallet would suffer from Apple’s ingenuity. I refused to believe The Cool(tm).

But I just had to visit Apple’s damn site and scope their shit out.

Damn my curiosity. Damn its eyes straight to hell. I love and hate this thing so much that it’s pulling double duty as both hero and villain. The hero part is obvious. The villain threatens my bank account, my newly professional posting schedule and my very sanity.

Now that I’ve seen it and all the insanely convincing demos(special love to the phone demo for that last hard sell), sweet merciful gods, I want one. All I can do is plot on getting one.

I want one.

I want one.
I want one.
I want one.
I want one.
I must have one
I might kick puppies to get one.
I would definitely kick you to own one.

Go forth, kids, and obey my commands. Bring me an iPhone and your rewards will range far beyond handsome. Your spoils will be sexy futhermuckers.

The digital, semi-benevolent, dictators for life, Masters, await your patronage on my behalf.

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