The folks over at Something Awful have put together an animal attack guide:
The first step to surviving a wild animal attack is actually to prevent the attack entirely by making you an undesirable target for potential animal assailants. Animals are just like people in that they don’t want to attack someone who either doesn’t have anything they want or can obviously kick their ass. This is not as easy as simply drinking weight gainer shakes, weightlifting incessantly, and walking around on stilts while covered in tiger urine. Not every animal responds to the same predator/prey signals, so you need to cover all the bases or at least those that apply to the area you will be in. To help prepare you we’ve broken the animals down into categories, just follow the preventative measures for each category that applies to you.
It just gets better from there.
Orangutan – If you sense wacky happenings or kooky goings-on in your immediate vicinity that’s a good sign that an orangutan attack is already underway.
Juice Tigers – Juice Tigers make a whirring sound similar to a blender and smell like a mixture of fresh fruits and vegetables.
Orangutans must always be hanging out around my block. I think I smelled a Juice Tiger last week.
