So much Pop Culture Floatsam has occurred in the months I was away that it’s almost impossible to catch up.
Luckily, The Superficial took up my snarky comments slack. I swear whoever runs that site is bugging my conversations or has found a way to tap the useless knowledge in my head.
Whichever it is, he crossed the brain-funny barrier and that works for me.
Having said that, I gotta throw in my two-cents.
On Katie Holmes and Little Green Men
Holy damn in shit! My crush on Katie is officially over.
Call that sucker burned and tossed out and shot to death in mulch.
Those were my exact words when MedicMike sent me the article in which Katie said she’d believe in alien creation.
The Superficial more or less summed up my thoughts on her pending nuptials.
Angelina Jolie Gives Bad Sex?
That’s what ole Billy Bob Thornton has said recently.
Those grapes are sour.
Until I’ve had the chance to taste of Jolie’s crazy goodness, I’ll ignore deep thoughts from Bad Santa.
Britney Spears: Not a Rhodes Scholar
Apparently some people need to be told this news.
It’s also charming that someone who has been handed millions like Britney thinks the reason the rest of us aren’t rich is because we don’t “voice our wishes more.” Jesus Christ I hate these two. I gotta get me a bear. And teach it to maul anything in sky blue Fubu and backwards Yankees hats. And then release it in Malibu. Once chunks of Kevin showed up in the bears stool, animal control might be pretty upset, but then I’d explain it was Kevin Federline and we’d all have a pretty good laugh.
All listening devices will be neutralized. If I have to search every cavity on my body. This, I swear.
Confession of a Teenage Drama Queen
Lindsey Lohan says that black guys love her.
Black guys love me – Damon Dash, P Diddy. 50 called my agent for my number. He said he was watching Mean Girls and loved it. I was freaking out! The first thing I thought was, ‘Where’s Eminem?’ I’m in love with him!
A) I hope he does call you. I hope you go out and do whatever pases for fun among the young Hollywoodites. And, on that magical day, I hope 50 does things to you that’ll cause you to sit in a dank, dark corner muttering unintelligible curses at the entire male population for the rest of your days. This must be the only way to stop you from speaking in public.
I can be mean, too.
B) Eminem. Is. NOT. Black.
C) Lastly, I’m a black guy. I don’t love you.
I hope she’s speeding on the way to the club
Trying to hurry up to get to some
Baller or singer or somebody like that
And try to put on her makeup in the mirror
And crash, crash, crash.. into a ditch!
I’m not playin’.
Stop Your Grinning and Hide Your Children
So this guy says:
“That said… he smoothly, criminally avoided jail time.”
Then I said,
“You’ve been hit by/you’ve been struck by/a Smooth Criminal!”
*dancing, grinding and uncomfortable amounts of crotch-grabbing follows.*
Then another guy said,
Yes, but…
…whose crotch?
That’s when I closed with,
So many smart-ass answers…overload..overloading….
1) ask the catholic church
2) anything small, underdeveloped and apparently boozed up
3) only Bubbles knows for sure.
4) ask Macauley Caulkin
5) Corey Feldman may have a clue too
6) his glove maker’s son
7) “Who’s bad?”Ok, I’m done.
Those offended, direct all your hate towards Groonk.
“Your anguish sustains me.”
This is all documented.
The Hits Keep a Comin’
Brooke Shields on inviting Tom Cruise to see Chicago:
“If he wants to see Chicago, I’ve left him two tickets – one adult, one child.”
Ms Shields, you’ve earned 50 cool points. Move ahead 5 spaces.
